ABC News Now’s ‘Don’t Touch My Junk’ Song

This is a funny video, but I guess it's not so funny if you get felt up at the airport.

Why do Muslims commit suicide?

Raining in New York City

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City . It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around & says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him thetruth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers" she said.

A bit of humor

A friend sent this to me.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Very funny.

The economy is so bad that...

A friend emailed me this and I decided to share it here. Hopefully someone will get someone laughs from this.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six can't afford to leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

LOL.

A little bit of humour for today

With all of the very weighty events that have been happening lately, I thought that a bit of humor might be in order. A friend sent me this.



A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Dogs

A good friend sent me this and I got a real kick out of it.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mother's...



then adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...



then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...



then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...



then adopt a cat.

LOL. That reminds me of my cat Judy.

My favorite AARP card

:-)

How to freak out a taxi driver

LOL. :-)

Southern Humor

Here is something from another email I got. It's some humor with a Southern flavor.

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary.
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How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
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Why did God invent armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.'
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Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush.
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Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.
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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
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Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted'
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What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Grandma & Grandpa

A friend emailed this to me and I thought it was funny.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from Grandma!"

Ever wonder why raincoats are yellow?

Alright now. Someone got the message. Why buy a raincoat if you can use plastic bags to do the job? Save, save, save.

Aren't you glad that shrub is finally outta there?

Isn't it great to finally have an intelligent president? And we are really going to need one given that shrub and company left us in such as big mess.

And then the fight started

Has anybody seen any of those "And then the fight started" blurbs that are going around on the web. Here is a good one.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt,
revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me',
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then... which one ARE you?'

And then the fight started.. ...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

LOL.

Where's my bailout?

Hey Mr. Paulson. When you are ready to send me my bailout, leave a comment on this blog and I'll get back to you to make arrangements to receive my money. Thanks.

Tony

Sarah Palin makeover

The Makeup Place has some beauty tips for Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin may have lost her chance to become vice president but it certainly wasn't her "looks" that hurt her. Here are a few tips for Sarah, most are right in line with her rugged, outdoorsy lifestyle, to keep her looking youthful right on into 2012 when, well...who knows?

First: EAT A Lot Of Moose Meat...
Moose meat is tough, (not unlike Sarah) and being tough that makes it chewy. All that chewing will serve to keep that jaw line nice and taunt! Note: You may need a new set of teeth before long but you'll have a great, firm jaw to put them in and absolutely no signs whatsoever of a dreaded, turkey neck.

Second: Quit Sleeping With Todd...
He's too darn good looking and the temptation to play around at bedtime will lead to too little sleep, and as we all know, getting a good nights sleep is the first step in keeping a youthful, refreshed appearance.

Third: Spend 3 Nights A Week Sleeping Outdoors In A Tent...
Crisp, cool air is good for your lungs and it certainly won't hurt to have good, strong lungs come 2012 just in case you find yourself having to do a lot of public speaking engagements...Plus, cooler air keeps you from having to bathe everyday, something that dries your skin out dreadfully. Of course, as an added measure to keep your skin soft and moist, a good rub down nightly with whale blubber really can't be beat!

LOL. Sarah, there is hope for you yet!

Headzup: Blagojevich reacts to arrest

Well, we have a new member of the scumbag club. Blagojevich joins Larry Craig, Elliot Spitzer, William Jefferson, and Mark Foley, among others, in this infamous group of politicians gone bad.

Last night's political funnies

Tickle me Elmo

Is this a true story?

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Hopefully this will make everybody laugh.

Redneck pickup lines

This is funny.

1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Thanks to my friend to sending this to me.